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Annoyed Film Review
The Fantastic Four: First Steps
Director: Matt Shakman
Release year: 2025
Runtime: 1h55m
"Welcome to the family.
Against the vibrant backdrop of a 1960s-inspired, retro-futuristic world, Marvel’s First Family is forced to balance their roles as heroes with the strength of their family bond, while defending Earth from a ravenous space god called Galactus and his enigmatic Herald, Silver Surfer." --Letterboxd description
visuals? fantastic
plot? um…….. 4?….
the only reason I didn't feel like I wasted 50chf to watch this movie is because I watched it in 4DX and let me tell you that fuckin black hole or whatever was making the seats shake like CRAZY I almost unwillingly sacrificed my 8chf popcorn and trust if that had happened someone in that cinema would have died and it would NOT have been me
that being said. movie was pure liquid buns. buckle the fuck in
so we start off with some genuinely incredible world building; cool retro futurism, sick visuals, LENS FLARES on the camera when johnny storm was flying all over the screen. the colours were insane, the art direction fantastic (HA) and as someone who has watched my fair share of the jetsons this was highkey a wet dream.
the world building was fun and the format they used to introduce the characters was fun and them having a cartoon in-universe was FUN and idk it was just FUN. I LOVED the whole first 40 minutes. however.
if you know anything about the fantastic 4 comics at all, you know the whole point of them is that they deal with intergalactic threats, and I gotta be so fr with u my original gangsters the whole movie went to shit the moment they left the earth.
and aside from the film becoming just another fucking marvel film, dropping the whole cool retro vibe the moment they exited the atmosphere, there are three major elements that really bothered me:
first of all, the elephant in the room::: that goddamn white baby.
listen. I know who franklin is. Chances are you know who franklin is. everyone and their fucking dog knows who and what franklin becomes (being of unimaginable power).
the people of this universes earth do NOT. they have ZERO reason to not be outraged by the choice to run away with your fresh out the womb white baby when there is a giant fuckass alien man coming to eat them and everyone and everything they love. any argument to keep this goddamn white baby around is NULL and VOID here because THEY DONT KNOW THAT!
they have NO reason to understand these peoples choices; these people who have given themselves the role (and had the role thrust upon them, admittedly,) to protect the earth in any way they can. who ran away as soon as the big guy asked for 1 (one) human life to save all 8 billion human lives on the earth.
you know its bad when im agreeing with the people who want to sacrifice a baby is all im saying
and SPEAKING of babies id have to rewatch the film to really catch exactly what gives me this impression (something i have to say im not tripping over myself to do) but there was a reaallyyyy weird pro-life tone in this gd film.
and don't get me wrong sues whole speech in front of the building was quite good, specifically the whole "I wont give up my baby for earth but I wont give up earth for my baby" spiel was decent enough. but SAY THAT EARLIER???? sue man STAND UP ??? REF ???? DO SOMETHING ???????
AND THAT LEADS ME TO THE NEXT THING SUE IS A POLITICIAN. which is SO cool. love what they did with the mole man and stuff that was very very cool. but the reason i bring this up here and now specifically is because they did sue so dirty man. business as usual.
the characterisation of these fuckin people is so typical of marvel and FUCKING BUNS!!!
the guys get all the gumption and the (SINGULAR !!!!!!) woman gets the left overs.
i can tell u fun facts and personality facets from nearly every character;
mr fantastic is crazy smart but overthinks himself into circles and is a very anxious person.
the thing is a good cook and tries desperately to continuously interact with anything that can still tie him to his humanity.
torch is a complete airhead but is still smart enough to lock tf in when it matters and still think with his heart.
and invisible woman? well
shes pregnant. and then shes a mother :)
isnt that nice? waow. parents are gonna love taking their kids to this one folks!
like you gave sue such potential. she works throughout her pregnancy. shes a kick ass politician. but as soon as she gives birth all that seems to go out the window.
i feel this is really exemplified by the scene showing literally the moment they touch down on the earth; the three guys step up on the podium while sue stands back in the background with the baby.
and this isnt me being like holy scheiss why isnt the woman who just freshly gave birth handing her baby off to someone else to give a speech.
this is me saying a woman who stubbornly worked thru her pregnancy would stand up there with the damn baby in her arms and tell people to FUCK OFF.
and i gotta say the BIGGEST piece of shit decision made in this film: the fucking timeskip montage. its shit. its bad. its shit from a butt. its terrible and it pisses me off so so bad.
they get back to earth and are like heilige scheisser we have like idk i think a few months(??) before we get our asses eaten by galactus in the least freaky and most unideal way. lets figure this shit OUT !!!!
and then wow cool montage smart guy has to do smart guy things to save the world who could have fucking seen this coming this has never been done before (every avengers movie ever).
and then smart guy says the most ive-never-attended-a-science-lesson-let-alone-ANY-lesson-in-my-life-because-my mental-capacity-is-on-par-with-a-rock-on-the-ground thing I have ever had the simultaneous misfortune and privilege of hearing solely for the purpose of making fun of whichever unfortunate writer put this in the fucking script: so I can teleport an egg. now im gonna teleport the earth. same thing only bigger right?" are you fucking DENSE? do you have a DENT IN YOUR HEAD? reed. reed my love. what the fuck are you talking about
this is a line where I think they were going for something where they can go "well hes JUST that smart ! hes so smart that he thinks its only a small upsize !"
ok well to me it sounds like the type of shit a child would say when bashing plastic dolls together in their playroom. it would work if it wasn't bad and stupid.
and let me tell you if I was a fucking construction worker and mr I-wont-give-up-my-seemingly-unremarkable-white-baby-to-save-the-whole-entire-earth told me to start building a giant fuckin tower for probably shite pay id be livid. I don't KNOW this baby !!! whats the fucking plan !!!! what are we doing man !!!!!!
literally every issue with this plot device is solved w doing 1 (ONE) !! single thing:
make the gap 5 years. or even better 10 years.
make me actually feel something for this white baby. give the people on earth the chance to care for this white baby.
show us galactus eating other planets so we actually feel the urgency youre trying to convey. millions and billions of lives lost later and hes STILL coming for us, his hunger never satiated.
would also make torch learning and speaking silver surfers language make a lot more sense and he would have the time to become fluent. reed would have time to develop teleporting in time. show him getting lost in his work.
but noooo they want the immediate pay off. oh but the budget what if they ran out of budget !! ok I don't give a shit?
if theres a will theres a fucking way man I don't know what to tell you. cut corners somewhere else. don't cast entirely only a-list actors that ask for 300william dollars per second of screen time.
but seems to me that these days marvel has just lost the fucking will and the goddamn way and all they want to do is pick a set of comic characters, have someone write some random amalgamation of buzzwords and plot devices down, throw a dart at a dartboard covered in a-list overused actors, shove someone in front of a camera, get a blue screen, extort some poor desperate cgi animators and BAM headlines and headlines about the New HIT Movie That Will Be So Hip With The Kids !! Infinit Money Machine
so generally, to put it nicely, (and much love to my friends who think this dont get me wrong), if the reason you like the movie is solely because your grown man blorbo is in it and it looks nice. the movie is bad :thumbsup:
it really did have a chance to be good but (and I don't know WHO is to blame for this exactly) the writing is bad. its slop.
it came so close to being good but fell short at every single critical moment like a goldfish hooked up to street fighter. they failed every single quick time event. babies in prams getting run over aplenty. an abundance of misses. if failure was store bought the whole west and half the east would be sold out courtesy of Marvel Studios. in terms of writing you honestly could've gotten those monkeys writing macbeth to have a stab at it and yk what they probably would have done a better job.
that being said. big ups to mother 4Dx, yo.
p.s id like to clarify I DO NOT ADVOCATE FOR KILLING BABIES :) THIS IS EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES :) THE WHOLE EARTH IS ON THE LINE :)
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